The first full week back at work is complete. I tried to stay busy and actually had a great client to work with who helped keep my mind off of things. Chase did well at his new school. I am very fortunate that he is able to be in the same class with his little friend Abby. That really helps even at his age to know someone in the class. These 2 have practically grown up together. And it really helps me when I drop him off to know that there is someone there waiting for him. There were days this week that it still doesn't seem real and that Jordan is not gone and I should be driving to our original babysitter's house. My car wants to keep going too. That was our routine.
Saturday comes and we loaded up the car and headed to San Antonio to see family. My side of the family gets together every Sunday before Labor Day to visit and hang out. We spent the evening with Randy's parents and my Aunt Judy on Saturday. The ladies and I took Chase up to play putt putt golf and tried to avoid the rain. I think that everyone had fun.
It is ironic how a 2 year old can only see themselves at the age they are at now. There are several photos around my in-laws house of Chase when he was a baby. Each one he saw he said "there is baby Jordan" . That gets me teary eyed each time. Trying to explain to him the difference is not worth it. How I wish that we were all here to spend the time together.
On Sunday we travel to my cousin's house just outside of San Antonio and had a great visit. Lots of hugs and prayers for us. I do feel at peace with where my little girl is at. The sadness is really for me, Randy and Chase. He was doing so well with her and he is just drawn to babies. My cousin has a little boy who is 7 months old and Chase immediately wanted to hold him. We sat out back on the lawn and I was holding the baby up so that he could stand and Chase was right there hugging him and trying to help. He is so good with little ones that it makes me cry to know that his opportunity to be a big brother was taken from him. He likes to try to make them laugh. That is part of life that he can not experience at the moment. We will see what the rest of life has in store for us and put it all in God's hands. If things are meant to be, he will help us make it happen.
Today we spent the morning running errands and trying to get caught back up with the yard work. Chase napped and Randy and I did some backyard garden therapy. It felt good to get out and do something with my hands. The sun felt great and for a short time it seemed as if everything was back to normal, I felt the need every once in a while to come in and check on the kids. But there is only one kid at home now. Everyday there are reminders of her here and the experiences that we will not get to share with her.
I got sad and actually felt bad for laughing and enjoying the afternoon with Chase and Randy swimming in the pool. I was thinking about how much fun the 2 of them would have had swimming in the pool together. And should we really be having fun? How long do you grieve and should we feel guilty? We do have a very happy little boy who really has no idea of what he has lost and he deserves to have his parents play with him.
We hold him and tell him everyday how much we love him. The evening finishes with a game of football in the back yard. My sweet family, Randy, Chase and me. I miss my little girl! Why did SIDS have to hit our family and what can we do to help prevent it from tearing up another family's hearts. What are the odds that if we are fortunate to have another precious angel that it would strike again? These are all things that I long to find out.