With every end there is a beginning? I read that in a Facebook post today and it made me stop and read it again. That is such a true statement and it can apply to everyone at some point in their life. Another Facebook friend is starting a new job today after leaving another one, that is her new beginning. What is mine?
When we started this journey of life after our little girl I would have never wanted to call it a beginning, but in reality it is. The beginning of my life as the mother of a SIDS child. I continue to look each day at what I can do to help others. How is this tragedy supposed to help me start my new beginning?
I pray a lot more and I am closer to God than I have ever been in my life. I sit with Chase every night as we pray for all of his friends and their animals each night and every time I want to add to that out loud prayer "God please watch over his sister". I am still afraid that he doesn't understand it all and I do not want to upset him by talking about it. I find each day that I am strong because I do not want to upset others. I am not sure how healthy that is on the inside for me. I hold a lot inside, I always have, it is a trait that I got from my mom. She was the same way. I still can't get through a service at church without shedding a tear. Some of it is because I am overwhelmed with emotions and that inside His church, I can feel him closer to me. Scriptures say that when you are your weakest moment, he is with you more. I guess he has been with my family quite a bit lately.
I ordered a copy of Jordan's death certificate today to provide to our insurance company. That was a hard website to go to. I did not have to talk to anyone on the phone, it was all done over the internet. That made it a little bit easier. I am going out to the cemetery tomorrow to take a look at tombstones for her tiny grave. We want to find one that represents her precious life that will last forever.
We finally had a dose of good news in the Connell Family. My husband's mom has gone through a whirlwind of tests after the doctors found a spot during her yearly mammogram. They saw what looked like something in the background on her lung. After several tests and surgery last week to remove a third of her left lung. She is CANCER FREE!!! Yea. It was nice to have something to celebrate something. She is at home and healing a little bit each day.
Monday, November 2, 2009
It has been a while since my last update. We have been trying to stay busy, and that keeps my mind pre-occupied. We are getting better and better as each day passes.
We had a great Halloween with Chase. He was a fireman and loved every minute of getting candy. Randy and I have figured out that we have to cherish the good memories that we have. I do still at times feel guilty for enjoying life though. I will still stop and think, I should be sad, I am not allowed to be happy today. Then I realize that God has a purpose and it is his will. Life will continue to go on around me. and on pretty mornings like today I can't help but think that Jordan is smiling down on us. She is with us in everything we do.
Halloween is the first of many holidays to come that would have been Jordan's "first." What would I have dressed her in? Would she have even been awake to go? Would I have tried to match the kids costumes? I will always have those thoughts. Christmas will be the next big one.
Our next big task is to find her the memorial headstone that will fit her little personality. Another difficult day for the Connell family, but we are making it. I still find it hard to believe that it has been 2 months since we lost her. And I still tell myself that a mother is not supposed to bury her child. That is not part of the cycle of life.
I get a weekly email from a website called http://www.silentgrief.com/. It has given me lots of great articles and uplifting thoughts. This was a paragraph from the one I got today and it really hit home.
"Look at the sunbeams streaming from the heavens and be encouraged! Gaze at the twinkling stars at night and be filled with awe at the details of the universe. Watch a butterfly and be filled with home as you trace the steps of its formation. God's imprint is all around us, and His hands are tenderly holding our hearts and giving us the assurance that we will get through this pain"
"Hope is seeing the rainbow after the storm before the sun comes out"-Clara Hinton
My bible verse of the day is "But as for me, I trust in Thee, O Lord"--Psalm 31:14