I feel that every event that occurs from here until eternity I will always find myself saying, "if only Baby Jordan were here". I am sure that Father's day was tougher on my husband than he let on. Everything is in a different perspective when you loose a child to SIDS. Last father's day was our first weekend home with Jordan, and this was our first without her. Time goes by so fast.
We had good day,went to church and heard a great message for all parents about how to raise your kids. Let them be themselves, just as God has created them to be. They are not little versions of us. Then it was off to watch the Astros loose again. It was Chase's first baseball game and we were with good friends of ours, so the dads had a great day.
As we get ready for the new baby to arrive, I am washing and getting the room ready for her arrival. The outfits that we have photos of Jordan in, I put away for safe keeping. I want this baby to be different and have her own things. I tried to find an outfit for her coming home photo at the hospital that was not pink. That was a difficult task to accomplish. With clothes clean and the bed ready, we have less than a month until delivery.
Chase asks everyday, "Is baby Hope coming out today", when I tell him no he gets upset. Three year olds do not have a very good concept of time. Everything is either yesterday or tomorrow. Nothing in the future or past.
I am in the process of searching for childcare for baby Hope after her arrival. I want to find someone who will love her as much as our former babysitter did. But I also want someone who has knowledge about SIDS and what the ways to prevent it are. How many infants have they cared for and will they be a good fit for our family. I am finding it very tough task these days. But I think we are close.
Signing off to cook dinner for the family, thanks to all who read this. It is a good release to get things out of my head. We are working on an official website for Jordan's foundation and will post updated blog posts to that when we get it complete. It will be a great source of links on SIDS and resources that parents can come to. Definitely a work in progress, but a step in the right direction towards finding a cure.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Today we should be celebrating our little girl's first birthday. but we went to the cemetery instead. This is the first of many milestones that we have to face as the years pass.
I miss her, but we just have to keep our eyes to Heaven and find comfort that she is up there. No matter how much we miss her and how hard days like today are, I do have comfort in knowing that she is in the arms of God. It is the selfish human side that wants her here with me. I want to hold her and I wonder what she would look like. How many teeth would she have, would she start looking like me yet? I still find myself having moments and asking "why did he take her?" What I would give to have her back? But I am reminded everyday that we are not in control.
The Connell family is a mix of highs and lows. I have dear friends who are praying for us and that helps. I had lunch with a good friend to help keep my mind off of things. I shopped at Toys R Us and bought a few toys for my son. At least someone had to get a gift today. Randy and I went out to the cemetery this afternoon. What a peaceful place. They do a great job keeping it up, so many flowers around. We think that the parent's of the little boy who is buried next to Jordan put a pinwheel by her tombstone. What thoughtful people. I guess there is a silent bond between parents who lost their kids at such an early age. SIDS is a terrible life steeling problem and we are doing what we can to help find the cause so that they can diagnose it early and avoid any more babies from missing their first birthday.
At times I feel guilty for being excited about a new baby. Just an honest thought, but we prayed and put it in God's hands. And we feel so fortunate to be expecting a new baby at the end of July. Life gives us so many ups and downs. We are a blessed family. I will never know why she was with us for just a short time. And why we are now the lucky ones to be having another baby. She will never replace our baby Jordan, but she will help complete our family.
Happy Birthday Baby Jordan, mommy will always miss you.
"Those we have held in our arms for a little while, we hold in our hearts forever"