Today we should be celebrating our little girl's first birthday. but we went to the cemetery instead. This is the first of many milestones that we have to face as the years pass.
I miss her, but we just have to keep our eyes to Heaven and find comfort that she is up there. No matter how much we miss her and how hard days like today are, I do have comfort in knowing that she is in the arms of God. It is the selfish human side that wants her here with me. I want to hold her and I wonder what she would look like. How many teeth would she have, would she start looking like me yet? I still find myself having moments and asking "why did he take her?" What I would give to have her back? But I am reminded everyday that we are not in control.
The Connell family is a mix of highs and lows. I have dear friends who are praying for us and that helps. I had lunch with a good friend to help keep my mind off of things. I shopped at Toys R Us and bought a few toys for my son. At least someone had to get a gift today. Randy and I went out to the cemetery this afternoon. What a peaceful place. They do a great job keeping it up, so many flowers around. We think that the parent's of the little boy who is buried next to Jordan put a pinwheel by her tombstone. What thoughtful people. I guess there is a silent bond between parents who lost their kids at such an early age. SIDS is a terrible life steeling problem and we are doing what we can to help find the cause so that they can diagnose it early and avoid any more babies from missing their first birthday.
At times I feel guilty for being excited about a new baby. Just an honest thought, but we prayed and put it in God's hands. And we feel so fortunate to be expecting a new baby at the end of July. Life gives us so many ups and downs. We are a blessed family. I will never know why she was with us for just a short time. And why we are now the lucky ones to be having another baby. She will never replace our baby Jordan, but she will help complete our family.
Happy Birthday Baby Jordan, mommy will always miss you.
"Those we have held in our arms for a little while, we hold in our hearts forever"