Wednesday, October 21, 2009

WOW..what a great turnout for the benefit

WOW...where do I start? I am still overwhelmed by the huge turnout and success of our Baby Jordan's benefit. God was watching over us and blessed us with great weather, wonderful food, and tons of people who were there to share their time, bid on some great auction items, and pay tribute to our Baby Girl. We are estimating over 450 plates were served.

I am still trying to find the words to thank everyone who helped make it a success. As Randy and I laid down to sleep Friday night we said that our worst nightmare was that only 25 people would show up and we had so many people who worked so hard to get everything prepared. There was a lot of personal labor hours from friends who mixed up homemade potato salad, fresh beans and delicious brisket that was cooked overnight.

I have pictures to post shortly, I just need to figure out the easiest way to post them all. From what I could tell everyone had a great time. It is amazing to me how many details go into an event of this size. Extra special thanks go out to Marlene, Cyndy, Bill and Michael. These were planning team members that we could not have made it without. We also thank all of our sponsors, volunteers and supporters. Words can not express our gratitude.

We are still taking life one day at a time. Today was a hard one for me. I think that the 21st of every month will be tough. This one was particularly tough since I am also in the process of fighting, or disagreeing with the insurance company and my next calls will be to the hospital over Jordan's bills. Because the hospital she was taken to is "out of network" the insurance company is not covering anything. Yes, I did say nothing. So far we have over $11,000 in bills to negotiate with the hospital. I have been told that they will work with me, so we will see. I pray that it all will work out. I mentioned this in a prior post but if the patient does not make it, you should get some sort of discount, not a battle. I am an emotional wreck at times and this is not helping.

I find it hard to find the bright side some days. I try really hard, but there are days that I just wish they would hurry up and be over. I miss her, and I just think that 3 short months ago I was holding her. I miss her crying, I miss her smell, I miss watching her wiggle when she takes a bath. I even miss her yelling at me when I tried to change her clothes. For a little girl she sure did not like to get dressed. Why did this happen? Why us? Maybe I should ask why me? I am a good mother and I love my kids. I know that God has a plan and that she is part of his family in Heaven now, but it just hurts so badly.

Chase is over his sickness but is still waking up in the middle of the night and wants to crawl in bed with us. By this point in the past before Jordan was here we would give it the "tough love" and let him cry himself to sleep. I can't do that now. It just breaks my heart and I second guess so many things now that I do not want something to happen to him and that be the last memories I have. He may be a bit spoiled now, but only with love. The past 2 nights he has waited until 4 to wake up, not too bad. Much better than the midnight alarm clock we have gotten used to in the past 2 weeks. I hug him more, and tell him I love him more. I am just glad that he is still little enough to not care or think mom's hugs are gross.

We keep trying to cling on to HOPE. Without that we have nothing. Randy and I will be going to our first Grief counseling group next week. It should be a great outlet to get some things off of our chest. I have a bad habit like my mother of holding things in and always being the "strong" one. I think that is part of the reason she died very suddenly of a heart attack at the age of 57. I sure could use her now to talk to. She too had to bury a daughter, but at the age of 9 years not 9 weeks. Anytime you bury your children it is hard. Our job is to protect them, and this was out of my control.

We thank everyone for the prayers for our great event. Next year will be bigger and better. Randy said that our little girl's first outing was a standing room only the funeral and her second big day of the benefit we sold out of food. What an amazing tribute to someone who only was on this earth for 9 short weeks. We love you baby J.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Tribute to Baby Jordan Event October 17th.

Click on the link above for details for our Tribute to Baby Jordan Benefiting SIDS Research and Awareness this coming Saturday October 17th. Lot's of BBQ Hosted by Houston Texans Tailgater of the week the 'Raging Bull Tailgaters', Silent auction featuring autographs from Rockets Yao Ming, Hall of Famer Moses Malone, NFL rushing leader Emmitt Smith, Houston Texans game tickets with VIP tailgating experience, and an appearance from Miss Teen Texas and much, much more....Hope you can all make it out. Let's all pray for good weather and a good turnout for our event. Yes we will have a T.V. with the Texas vs. OU football game.....Please come join us this weekend.

Monday, October 5, 2009

October is here already.

October is here already. I can not believe that the time has gone by so fast. I still remember walking in the HOT Houston air in June before Jordan was delivered. And now it is already October.

Our Pastor at church gave us a quote this week and it is so true. "Christianity is not an infomercial". His messages have been REAL and about some of the promises in the Bible that are not all great. It says that we will suffer and that bad things will happen to good people. Boy do I know that to be true. I am not happy, not really happy and I do not know if I will ever be as happy as I was before she died. I miss my baby girl. I am thankful for my church and the great messages that Pastor Mark has been giving. You can tell that he is human and he has pain in his life just like the rest of us. His wife is currently dealing with colon cancer and chemo treatments and he tells us the hard part is he can't fix it. He said he is a "fixer" and he can't make her better. He relies on his Faith to get them through. Strangely enough her blog helps me get through. She is so strong. It makes me realize that we are all in this together. When Mark talks about death and Heaven he said that "they are the lucky ones, God likes them better".

We have been very busy with the benefit and are so excited for the 17th to come. This past Sunday we were Tailgating at the Texans game and raised money through donations in a box toward the benefit. A HUGE thank you to the 'Raging Bulls Tailgaters' for helping with our event. Even in 85% chance of rain, we had a great turn out. I am amazed everyday at how this tragedy touches others. I met a great lady who is a nurse and did research in school on SIDS. I learned somethings that I did not know before. SIDS is the #1 killer of newborns. That statistic is amazing to me, which is why we are doing what we can to raise money for awareness and research. We are not sure how big we can make this, but Randy and I are dedicated to helping others. I feel the need to have something good come out of our tragedy. I want her life to MEAN something even though it was only 9 short weeks, she was everything to our family.

I still cry, I think I always will. My husband knows when I am writing on the blog because he can hear me sniffle. I just miss her so much. It is easy to get caught up in the day's events, and getting back to work, that at night it creeps up on me. Night time is still the hardest. I spend my evenings researching SIDS and finding other websites created for infant loss. The web has a ton of information created by others to provide information for people like me.

As I read I find it ironic that October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. In 1988, then-President Ronald Reagan proclaimed October as a national month of mourning in remembrance of babies who died through miscarriage, stillbirth, and other causes. This observance allows families and communities to come together to not only celebrate those infants' lives, but also to increase the understanding into why these tragedies occurred and work at preventing them-Coincidence that we are doing our event in the same month? No, I think that God is helping each step of the way.

Each year families and friends get together to celebrate their baby's life. Some do a balloon launch and there are some cities that hold a "Walk to Remember". I think these are all things that can be done in the future. We just want to help. Below is a great poem that is read at hospitals and events throughout the month of October in honor of little ones lost.

A Walk To Remember, by Kathie Ratoj Mayo

I walk to remember the steps you'll never take.
I carry you with me as I firmly plant my feet.
Our trek started long ago, before my belly swelled.
You were a love that grew like butterfly wings that beat.
Your gentle flutters then became kicks upon which I would dwell.
And I would talk to you, sweet babe, about the world you soon would meet.
The sun always shone upon us then when you were in my womb.
And I was eager to show you the world that would have been your home.
How you'd have loved the sun shining, blue skies without a cloud.
The autumn leaves turning, the snow falling all around.
The flowers in the summer, would have have filled your eyes with smiles.
And the rain that might have fallen would have caused you great surprise.
You would have traveled far with me, holding me by the hand.
And I'd have shown you all I could, more than I can imagine.
You hold my heart tightly now, as though we're holding hands.
How far we've traveled, little one, and my life with you has been sweet.
For I carry you in my heart, as I firmly plant my feet.

Sorry for being so long winded tonight, I had a lot to say and get off of my chest. Thanks for reading and for the prayers. We need them.... God's Blessings.