WOW...where do I start? I am still overwhelmed by the huge turnout and success of our Baby Jordan's benefit. God was watching over us and blessed us with great weather, wonderful food, and tons of people who were there to share their time, bid on some great auction items, and pay tribute to our Baby Girl. We are estimating over 450 plates were served.
I am still trying to find the words to thank everyone who helped make it a success. As Randy and I laid down to sleep Friday night we said that our worst nightmare was that only 25 people would show up and we had so many people who worked so hard to get everything prepared. There was a lot of personal labor hours from friends who mixed up homemade potato salad, fresh beans and delicious brisket that was cooked overnight.
I have pictures to post shortly, I just need to figure out the easiest way to post them all. From what I could tell everyone had a great time. It is amazing to me how many details go into an event of this size. Extra special thanks go out to Marlene, Cyndy, Bill and Michael. These were planning team members that we could not have made it without. We also thank all of our sponsors, volunteers and supporters. Words can not express our gratitude.
We are still taking life one day at a time. Today was a hard one for me. I think that the 21st of every month will be tough. This one was particularly tough since I am also in the process of fighting, or disagreeing with the insurance company and my next calls will be to the hospital over Jordan's bills. Because the hospital she was taken to is "out of network" the insurance company is not covering anything. Yes, I did say nothing. So far we have over $11,000 in bills to negotiate with the hospital. I have been told that they will work with me, so we will see. I pray that it all will work out. I mentioned this in a prior post but if the patient does not make it, you should get some sort of discount, not a battle. I am an emotional wreck at times and this is not helping.
I find it hard to find the bright side some days. I try really hard, but there are days that I just wish they would hurry up and be over. I miss her, and I just think that 3 short months ago I was holding her. I miss her crying, I miss her smell, I miss watching her wiggle when she takes a bath. I even miss her yelling at me when I tried to change her clothes. For a little girl she sure did not like to get dressed. Why did this happen? Why us? Maybe I should ask why me? I am a good mother and I love my kids. I know that God has a plan and that she is part of his family in Heaven now, but it just hurts so badly.
Chase is over his sickness but is still waking up in the middle of the night and wants to crawl in bed with us. By this point in the past before Jordan was here we would give it the "tough love" and let him cry himself to sleep. I can't do that now. It just breaks my heart and I second guess so many things now that I do not want something to happen to him and that be the last memories I have. He may be a bit spoiled now, but only with love. The past 2 nights he has waited until 4 to wake up, not too bad. Much better than the midnight alarm clock we have gotten used to in the past 2 weeks. I hug him more, and tell him I love him more. I am just glad that he is still little enough to not care or think mom's hugs are gross.
We keep trying to cling on to HOPE. Without that we have nothing. Randy and I will be going to our first Grief counseling group next week. It should be a great outlet to get some things off of our chest. I have a bad habit like my mother of holding things in and always being the "strong" one. I think that is part of the reason she died very suddenly of a heart attack at the age of 57. I sure could use her now to talk to. She too had to bury a daughter, but at the age of 9 years not 9 weeks. Anytime you bury your children it is hard. Our job is to protect them, and this was out of my control.
We thank everyone for the prayers for our great event. Next year will be bigger and better. Randy said that our little girl's first outing was a standing room only the funeral and her second big day of the benefit we sold out of food. What an amazing tribute to someone who only was on this earth for 9 short weeks. We love you baby J.