October is here already. I can not believe that the time has gone by so fast. I still remember walking in the HOT Houston air in June before Jordan was delivered. And now it is already October.
Our Pastor at church gave us a quote this week and it is so true. "Christianity is not an infomercial". His messages have been REAL and about some of the promises in the Bible that are not all great. It says that we will suffer and that bad things will happen to good people. Boy do I know that to be true. I am not happy, not really happy and I do not know if I will ever be as happy as I was before she died. I miss my baby girl. I am thankful for my church and the great messages that Pastor Mark has been giving. You can tell that he is human and he has pain in his life just like the rest of us. His wife is currently dealing with colon cancer and chemo treatments and he tells us the hard part is he can't fix it. He said he is a "fixer" and he can't make her better. He relies on his Faith to get them through. Strangely enough her blog helps me get through. She is so strong. It makes me realize that we are all in this together. When Mark talks about death and Heaven he said that "they are the lucky ones, God likes them better".
We have been very busy with the benefit and are so excited for the 17th to come. This past Sunday we were Tailgating at the Texans game and raised money through donations in a box toward the benefit. A HUGE thank you to the 'Raging Bulls Tailgaters' for helping with our event. Even in 85% chance of rain, we had a great turn out. I am amazed everyday at how this tragedy touches others. I met a great lady who is a nurse and did research in school on SIDS. I learned somethings that I did not know before. SIDS is the #1 killer of newborns. That statistic is amazing to me, which is why we are doing what we can to raise money for awareness and research. We are not sure how big we can make this, but Randy and I are dedicated to helping others. I feel the need to have something good come out of our tragedy. I want her life to MEAN something even though it was only 9 short weeks, she was everything to our family.
I still cry, I think I always will. My husband knows when I am writing on the blog because he can hear me sniffle. I just miss her so much. It is easy to get caught up in the day's events, and getting back to work, that at night it creeps up on me. Night time is still the hardest. I spend my evenings researching SIDS and finding other websites created for infant loss. The web has a ton of information created by others to provide information for people like me.
As I read I find it ironic that October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. In 1988, then-President Ronald Reagan proclaimed October as a national month of mourning in remembrance of babies who died through miscarriage, stillbirth, and other causes. This observance allows families and communities to come together to not only celebrate those infants' lives, but also to increase the understanding into why these tragedies occurred and work at preventing them-Coincidence that we are doing our event in the same month? No, I think that God is helping each step of the way.
Each year families and friends get together to celebrate their baby's life. Some do a balloon launch and there are some cities that hold a "Walk to Remember". I think these are all things that can be done in the future. We just want to help. Below is a great poem that is read at hospitals and events throughout the month of October in honor of little ones lost.
A Walk To Remember, by Kathie Ratoj Mayo
I walk to remember the steps you'll never take.
I carry you with me as I firmly plant my feet.
Our trek started long ago, before my belly swelled.
You were a love that grew like butterfly wings that beat.
Your gentle flutters then became kicks upon which I would dwell.
And I would talk to you, sweet babe, about the world you soon would meet.
The sun always shone upon us then when you were in my womb.
And I was eager to show you the world that would have been your home.
How you'd have loved the sun shining, blue skies without a cloud.
The autumn leaves turning, the snow falling all around.
The flowers in the summer, would have have filled your eyes with smiles.
And the rain that might have fallen would have caused you great surprise.
You would have traveled far with me, holding me by the hand.
And I'd have shown you all I could, more than I can imagine.
You hold my heart tightly now, as though we're holding hands.
How far we've traveled, little one, and my life with you has been sweet.
For I carry you in my heart, as I firmly plant my feet.
Sorry for being so long winded tonight, I had a lot to say and get off of my chest. Thanks for reading and for the prayers. We need them.... God's Blessings.