Saturday, August 21, 2010

It has already been a year....

I can look back and remember everything that happened a year ago today. The phone call, where I was at in the car, even what I was wearing. And I clearly remember praying for God to save my little girl. But He didn't. Why? I still ask that question on a daily basis. It makes me think of the Garth Brook's song "Unanswered Prayers". How does He decide which ones He wants to answer?

I still find myself asking were there signs that I missed? Did she do anything different that day that I should have caught as a mom. My head says that there wasn't, but my heart aches to wonder what I missed.

After going through such a tragedy and thinking about it every day, I just look up to the sky and tell my little girl hi. We will never know why God decided that he needed an angel that day, I feel blessed that we had her for 9 short weeks, too short of a time. I think about what milestone she would be hitting by now. I can imagine her hobbling around and trying to walk. Would she be saying 'momma" yet?

My son Chase picked up his cell phone the other day and said "I am going to call baby Jordan" he asked "can you talk baby Jordan?" " no ok, bye bye" and he hung up. I wonder how much he remembers, we were not even talking about her that day. My heart just sank and I tried to keep it together for him.

The circle of life just amazes me. As I type this I have a month old baby girl sleeping on my chest. What did I do to deserve the gift of giving birth to a little girl and the chance to be a mom again. God is Great! I look at her each day and just think that God must have big plans for her. If Jordan were still with us, we would not have had another baby. And this little precious life is here with us. She has so much of her sister in her.

Thanks for all of the prayers and kind thoughts. We need it.