I find it amazing on a daily basis that life does go on around you. We have 2 choices each day to get up and be part of the world or hold up and hide. Randy and I have chosen the first of these choices. Even though there are mornings that pulling back the covers and staying hidden would feel good at the time, but that is not good for either of us.
I can not believe that it is has been 3 weeks since we lost our little girl. The nightmare is official. I have woken up for 23 mornings and it is still a reality. So I guess acceptance is a necessary step. Every little girl I see starts to bring a tear to my eye. But I am not a blubbering mess so that is a step in the right direction. I keep waiting for everything to come crashing down but it hasn't yet. I need to remove her bassinet out of our room, but I just haven't. Denial is a happy place at times and I just feel comfort in having everything as it was. I am worried that when we move it Chase will be worried. I think I will move it to her room first and then we need to box up her things and move it all to the garage for now.
Chase seems to be doing so well for his 2 1/2 old little mind. He gets her photo album out and flips the pages and calls out what his baby sister is doing in the photo. I wince and wait for him to say something that will make me sad. But he doesn't. Looking at that book makes me cry every time, but for him he is fine. I guess God works in wonderful ways that we will not understand.
There are a lot of things that I still do not understand, and I do not think I ever will. We started in a small group bible study with some of our fellow church members. Good group of people, Randy and I are trying each day to get closer to God. At a time like this you can go either direction and we choose God!
I know in my heart that I will never know why? Not really anyway. But she is in the arms of my mom and I continue each day. I do have a sense of Hope in what God has in store for our family. We talked today in church about God being the boss of our life, and that is my mission every day. We are putting it in his hands to help us get through this.
We went to dinner to celebrate our anniversary. It was nice to get away and have a quiet dinner together. The first thing I wanted to look at was the wine list. We selected our little girls name after the first bottle of wine we drank together. Jordan. Yep, it is on the menu but I do not think that I can ever drink that wine again. It holds a different meaning for me. We have had that name picked out for years and I am so sad that I will not get to hear myself calling out that name to tell her dinner is ready, or that I love her in person. It is all in my prayers to God. I find that is the time I can talk to her. Kind of like I am speaking to her by way of God. I don't know if that is how it works, but I always add in a hello to my mom in Heaven at the end of my prayers. I figure that since she is up there with him, that the window of opportunity is open? Who knows. That works for me so now I end my prayers telling my mom to give her a kiss for me.
I miss my baby girl sooo much! But we just continue to take it day by day.