Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Today is the last day to see our angel...

Well actually we already said good-bye to her in the ER room at the hospital on Friday night. But today is the day that we lay her body to rest and allow her soul to go to heaven. I honestly believe that she is in Heaven with my mom and that they are both watching down over me.

It was a tough morning to wake up to. A very somber day in the Connell household. Both my dad's are here. I put on a fresh pot of coffee and step outside to get a breath of fresh air. Randy's dad bought us a great daily Bible reading book and I figured there was no better day than today to start reading. I find comfort in the words and take a few moments to reflect. I still ask "Why"...why me, why did he take her. I am a good mom and I loved her so much. She was well cared for and loved...I was so excited the day at 22 weeks pregnant that we found out that it was going to be a girl. A little girl...now I can raise her like my mom did me and we can grow up together. I was a soccer player and at the time I was worried about if she wanted to be a dancer or cheerleader...I don't know anything about that, but I can learn. I even fast forwarded in my head to the day that Randy would get to walk her down the aisle at her wedding. And as I think about it now, there are so many milestones of a little girls life that we will not get to go through together. She will never get to say mommy or have her first kiss and her first boyfriend. I won't get to put her hair in pig tails, or get to watch Randy learn how to do this too. WHY..WHY...WHY. Life is just not fair.

We arrived at the church at 10:00, funeral service will begin at 11:00 so this gives us time to grieve on our own with the casket. The sight of it makes me weak in my knees and I begin weeping. Well actually sobbing. My immediate instinct is to run up, open the box and hold her. But I can't. We have already had that moment. We kept it a closed casket, the funeral director said that she would not look like she did, on babies it is really hard and that was not the image I wanted of her. I remember her half cracked smile and those blue eyes shining up at me.

We have some pictures that we want to put up. There will be people coming who have never even seen our little girl, but want to be there for us. We are so blessed by the amount of love sent to us. I wanted it to all be just perfect, her last time with us to be treasured.

The flood gates open up and Randy and I are talking to the friend of ours who will be doing the service. He says a prayer over us and we are in the back where the doors are. The influx of people is just amazing. I was able to see so many comforting faces, ones that I have not seen in a long time. And ones that I see all the time, but knowing they are there to support us feels good. Hugs, Hugs and more hugs. At this time in your life you can never get too many hugs, they help make you strong and know that others are there to lean on. They had 160 chairs (I think) and they had to bring in 4 more rows. Some people even were standing in the back. AMAZING to us the number of people who showed up. All for a 9 week old angel.

We make our way up front and they read the poem "When tomorrow starts without me" I found this online actually and thought it was perfect for her. We had another poem similar when my mom passed away but it was more for a grown up. That one still brings me comfort today and hopefully this one will too. Randy posted the lyrics to 2 of the songs that were played, and both were perfect for the time. The third was "Blessed be the name" another great one.

The message was HOPE, that without this you have nothing. And I believe this to be true. Vince did a great job and I found more comfort than I expected. There is hope in the fact that someday I will be with her to hold her again. Life does go on, even if we don't think it should. The tears flowed and my nephew Mitch kept me filled with clean tissues. His mom kept telling him to take the old ones, but he never did. I don't blame him, he is only 5.

What is Chase doing now, is he playing, sleeping? Does he miss her? I hope he is OK and his daddy and I can take the time to spend with Jordan and her day.

We go through the line again and get the opportunity to thank everyone for coming and I get more hugs.

As we load up in the car to head out to the cemetery Randy makes a comment about being dehydrated from crying so much. Halfway done...now we must put her in her final resting place. Those words sound so final, but I guess it is.

The cemetery is a beautiful and peaceful setting. It is hot outside!

Vince completed the rest of the ceremony, again a wonderful job with words that somehow help me find peace. I look to find where she will be. There is a green mat of astroturf that I assume is where they will bury that very tiny white box. I asked to have 2 roses separate from her flowers. A pink one for her little girl soul and a yellow rose to symbolize my mom. My aunt Judy has always loved yellow roses and my mom used to get them for her. When mom passed away it just started a tradition of bringing a yellow rose to the cemetery for her and Judy in honor of their friendship. So in my own way this was how I memorilize the friendship with her that I won't get to have and to give it to her as a small token from my mom.

Did I mention that it was hot outside. After the final words we just kind of stood around and visited. I placed the flowers on her casket and went to visit. Our sitter was there too and she and I got the chance to hug and talk. We love our sitter like family and I know that she is grieving too. She lost someone very precious to her too in such a short time. Only one word still comes to my mind, WHY. I miss baby Jordan.

We head back to the house for food and visiting. I don't really remember what I ate, I had a few glasses of wine and got to sit with everyone for a little while. It was kind of like at my wedding, you get a small moment to visit because everyone is there to see and comfort you so I tried to spread my time around. I am so thankful for all of the people who made it and the dear friends who came over afterwards. It felt good to be around them all. Chase finally made it home and he was excited. He thought it was a party for him. A house full of people who all want to hug him.

My girlfriend brought her kids over and another group of friends who have children who also were kept by my our sitter brought their twins over so we had a house full of laughing children and the sound was music to my ears. It was the best medicine for everyone.

The last couple left around 9:30 and at that point all I wanted to do was sleep. I was finally exausted and my contacts needed to be tossed. The weight of the situation finally hit me and I could not be strong any longer, it was time to rest.

I really, really miss my little girl.

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