As I sit here and write this I have reminders of our little girl all around me. We had to move the swing out of the living room because it was a constant reminder that she was not here to sit in it. That is really the only place that she would take a decent nap for me during the day. Otherwise I would sit and just hold her. She could be totally asleep and almost snoring and as soon as I would lay her down and walk away she would cry. My little girl just REALLY loved to be held. Maybe there was something inside of her that knew we only had a short time on Earth together and needed to get all the holding in that she could. These are the thoughts that jump into my head when I look back.
Today is a quiet day in the Connell house. There are errands to run, and we are keeping the florists in the area in business. My home smells so beautiful! Jordan would love the smell. With family coming and going we all had things that needed to be accomplished. First stop for daddy was to take Chase to get his haircut. It was getting really ragged and we had lots of company coming. At this point we are still pretty sure that Chase should go spend sometime with someone who loves him and play instead of coming to the services tomorrow. I know that Randy and I will be a mess and we need to stay strong for him.
Randy's mom and I go to the funeral home to drop off the items that we want to be buried with Jordan. I know we will not have the opportunity to see them on her, but there is a comfort in knowing that they will be with her and she will not be alone.
1. Clothes...what to put on her. I have a closet full of precious clothes, a lot that she had not even had the chance to wear yet. She was not very happy when you had to change her clothes. Her daddy liked that part and was thinking that he was somehow going to save money in the future because his baby girl didn't like changing clothes...but everyone said she would grow out of that soon enough. Now this one of the many tough decisions I have to face these days. All things that you are not supposed to worry about. Do I put her in a beautiful dress? I have one that is very nice and dressy that she would look great in, but is it to formal? No one will know but me and our family but I decide to go with a onsie that I just bought her that says "Little Sister" and is brown with multi color letters. My OB has a great picture in her office of a little boy and girl with "big brother" and "little sister" t-shirts on. It was very cute and it took me months to find this one. She must wear it...she is a little sister and will always be. Ok so that decision is made.
2. Fuzzy pink blanket. This will help cushion her in softness. Again just something for me, but comforting still.
3. Pink bear. She can't be alone in there and every baby needs a stuffed animal.
4. Paci. Both of my kids are pacifier kids. We had to force this one on her, even at 9 weeks she was already reaching for the thumbs and those you can't take away later when they grow up. The paci can be thrown away. She won't need it really where she is going, but it makes me feel better knowing it is there.
Next stop is clothes shopping for me. Unfortunately I am still not down to my pre-pregnancy size and I needed something nice to wear. This was a hard step. Especially when you are not really in the mood to shop, it seems like you can not find anything. When you are not looking you can always find a ton of things in black for women. But today, there was not a lot of choices.
Errands are done and people are still coming in to see us. It is amazing how many comments and emails we both are getting from Facebook and email accounts. The outpouring of prayer is giving us the strength to continue The prayers and Chase. My sweet little boy. He has no clue as to what is happening. There is a huge loss to him as well and he really doesn't know what he is missing. He won't get to grow up with his sister. She will not get to take his toys and pick on him. I love my little boy and have to be strong for him. I would be a basket case every minute of the day if I didn't have him.
Time for bed, we have a big day tomorrow. Very long night ahead I am sure. The nightmare is still here....this is not a dream.
Good night baby Jordan, Mommy loves you!