Sunday is here....Day 3 and we are still having trouble sleeping. The visions of her on the table in the ER are haunting my thoughts. I thank God that I have such a supportive husband. We have to remain strong together for our family and each other. Chase slept until 6:00 this morning and again he came to finish off his sleep in our bed. He is such a wiggle bug that only one of us gets lucky, he gets sideways on us and one ends up with his head and the other has feet kicking them in the ribs. He is not very easy to sleep with. This morning I was the lucky one, and Randy got up and was reading the bible. We are still trying to grasp what has happened and The Book is our first refuge.
We get dressed and try to get ready for the day, I forgot to pick up waterproof mascara so I just went without any. It is the little things that you don't think about.
Some of the co-workers from my office came by to visit and hug us. We do receive a lot of comfort from hugs. Keep them coming. Uncle Dee came to pick up Chase and bring him over to Vicky and Brent's. They had a fun filled day organized for him so that we could take care of details at the funeral home. We had a 1:00 appointment. Chase's day was going to be a lot better than mommy's.
We got to the funeral home and it was a strange feeling. Introducing ourselves as the family of the deceased. I did this 5 years ago when my mom passed away and it was the same sinking feeling. I start to turn on the auto pilot and go through the motions.
This is not supposed to be happening.
The funeral director was very nice and easy to work with. I think it takes a special person to work with sad people every day. I know that I couldn't do that for a living. They have opportunities to take advantage of people in their time of grief, but not these guys. Very professional and no pressure. Tough decisions...we decided to have the service on Tuesday instead of Monday. Our original thoughts were to just hurry and get it over so that we can try to get back to life. Tuesday was going to be better for everyone involved. It would give people the opportunity to make arrangements to come to the funeral, and with Monday being the first day of school I thought it was too hard of a day for parents and teachers to be able to make it. We wanted as many of our friends and family to be there as possible. We knew we would need their strength that day.
Next trip is out to the cemetery. Our little girl's new resting place will be in the country setting of Tomball. What a beautiful place! Tree's and tons of flowers. There are wind chimes in the trees that families have placed and it is so peaceful. We walked around the "Garden of Innocents" and looked at all the other baby graves. Way too many little lives that did not have a chance to grow. Randy makes a comment "they forgot to put the second date on this one" when looking at a gravestone. "No I said, that little one only lived for one day" Oh my goodness...we decided that we should be thankful for the 9 weeks we were able to have with Baby Jordan. There are parents out there that only got a few hours.
I feel good about the arrangements. Next visit is by our friend and Randy's co-worker Vince. He is a retired pastor and was the first person we thought of to do the service. He was coming over to discuss the details. We talked about Jordan and her life. He brought us the lyrics of the song Home Free. It is a great song and one that we will use at the service. During this process Chase picked up Jordan's photo album. I was waiting for him to have a meltdown. Dear God help me comfort my son, I do not think I can handle this right now. Really not ever, but I may not be able to avoid that. We looked through the book as we have in the past, baby Jordan with mom, having a bottle, first bath. No meltdowns. Thank you Jesus. Each of these moments caught in pictures to cherish forever. I tried not to cry in front of him. I do not want him to be sad.
I fell asleep on the couch while everyone was talking, once Randy woke me up to go to bed. The visions came back and it was hard to rest, My eyes were wide open for a while, nothing interesting on the TV. I think we watched the re-run of the Houston Texans game from the night before. They still lost. Same outcome, different day.
Time to rest and try to get to tomorrow. I would do anything to give back the periods of sleep to have her wake me up every 2 hours to eat. I REALLY miss my baby girl.