Thursday, August 27, 2009

The days do we carry on with life?

The days after the funeral are still a bit of a blur. With all of the planning completed and the families all gone now what do we do? I kind of turned it on auto-pilot to get things accomplished in order and to give my baby girl the best funeral we could. I wanted the songs perfect and everything to go smooth. The attendance is still overwhelming to us and we are so grateful for the outpouring of love that we have been given.

Today was a day to decompress and spend some quality time with Chase. He needs us more than ever at this point and I am pretty sure that we need him even more than we realize. As long as I am around him I feel OK. I can keep the tears controlled and I know that he needs a mom. It still all seems like a really horrible dream. I find myself asking "Is she really gone?"

The day goes by slowly. We play cars and trains. Chase has a new favorite book called " A Pocket for Corduroy" we have read that book a lot today. Our wonderful neighbors bring us dinner tonight so we don't have to worry about it. I am so blessed to be in this subdivision. They have really rallied around to pray for us and help in anyway they can to help us get through this.

Randy and I decide that we need to get out of the house...try to do something fun with Chase so that he will be able to remember a positive experience from this week. That is very hard for us to do, but we load up Thursday morning and head downtown. The Children's museum is our destination. We called our sitter to see if she wanted to join us. This week has to be hard for her too. Her kids are older and are back at school this week so she has too much time to think about what happened. She did not answer so we will ask her to go next time. Chase misses her, she was a second mom to him and part of all he has known. We will definately see when we can get together with her. I miss her too.

This place is pretty cool. Once we get the map and talk to someone who knows what is going on we decide to head upstairs to the baby thru 3 year old room. With Chase 2 1/2 years old we felt that was the best place to start. Shoes come off and the 3 of us head inside the gate. Unfortunately for Chase he is a bit too big for this area. Lots of mats and small slides. The wooden cars are pretty neat and Chase spends all his time jumping back and forth between the car and the truck. "Beep. Beep" "Move cars, GOOOO" says my son. He gets out and uses the pump to pretend to add gas and crawls back into the driver's seat. "GOOOOO" out he comes and looks son is officially bored up here.

The place was pretty crowded with kids of all ages, mom's groups were scattered around and as their kids got to play and the ladies got to catch up on gossip. I feel as if my recent loss is written all over my face. Do they know? Are there mom's in here who went through the same trauma? I never thought about asking that before it happened to me. How many of these mom's have lost a child, am I the only one?

Too many babies up here for me, I am getting a bit choked up and since Chase is bored I agree with Randy that it is time to find something else.

Chase then builds Lego cars and launches them down the track, we also try to build paper airplanes and use their "launcher" to send them up in the air. I guess Randy and I need some more practice on building the plane to begin with. Maybe Chase can teach us that as he gets older. This museum will be a lot of fun as he grows up. We miss Jordan, we see the older girls with their hair in ponytails walking around and realize that we will not see her at that age. We won't get to drop her off for her first day of Kindergarten, or even see her take that first step. I really miss my baby.

We grab a bite to eat at the museum, not so bad prices for not so good food. McDonald's burgers are better than these. Chase has his usual chicken fingers and french fries with plenty of ketchup. Randy and I snacked and were ready to head outside.

Waterworks exhibit was the best part of the day. Chase launched boats and generally had fun splashing in the water. Now that he is soaked, let's head home.

Mom and Dad are tired from the days past events. Better day than I expected, but I am ready to go to bed. May sleep find me quickly and help me stay that way. The night time is when it gets really hard. There is no one around to put up the "I'm OK" front for. Just Randy and I alone in the dark to grieve for our little girl. The bassinet is still here, we really need to move it out.

Good night again baby Jordan, mommy and daddy love you.

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