WOW..what a great turnout for the benefit

WOW...where do I start? I am still overwhelmed by the huge turnout and success of our Baby Jordan's benefit. God was watching over us and blessed us with great weather, wonderful food, and tons of people who were there to share their time, bid on some great auction items, and pay tribute to our Baby Girl. We are estimating over 450 plates were served.

I am still trying to find the words to thank everyone who helped make it a success. As Randy and I laid down to sleep Friday night we said that our worst nightmare was that only 25 people would show up and we had so many people who worked so hard to get everything prepared. There was a lot of personal labor hours from friends who mixed up homemade potato salad, fresh beans and delicious brisket that was cooked overnight.

I have pictures to post shortly, I just need to figure out the easiest way to post them all. From what I could tell everyone had a great time. It is amazing to me how many details go into an event of this size. Extra special thanks go out to Marlene, Cyndy, Bill and Michael. These were planning team members that we could not have made it without. We also thank all of our sponsors, volunteers and supporters. Words can not express our gratitude.

We are still taking life one day at a time. Today was a hard one for me. I think that the 21st of every month will be tough. This one was particularly tough since I am also in the process of fighting, or disagreeing with the insurance company and my next calls will be to the hospital over Jordan's bills. Because the hospital she was taken to is "out of network" the insurance company is not covering anything. Yes, I did say nothing. So far we have over $11,000 in bills to negotiate with the hospital. I have been told that they will work with me, so we will see. I pray that it all will work out. I mentioned this in a prior post but if the patient does not make it, you should get some sort of discount, not a battle. I am an emotional wreck at times and this is not helping.

I find it hard to find the bright side some days. I try really hard, but there are days that I just wish they would hurry up and be over. I miss her, and I just think that 3 short months ago I was holding her. I miss her crying, I miss her smell, I miss watching her wiggle when she takes a bath. I even miss her yelling at me when I tried to change her clothes. For a little girl she sure did not like to get dressed. Why did this happen? Why us? Maybe I should ask why me? I am a good mother and I love my kids. I know that God has a plan and that she is part of his family in Heaven now, but it just hurts so badly.

Chase is over his sickness but is still waking up in the middle of the night and wants to crawl in bed with us. By this point in the past before Jordan was here we would give it the "tough love" and let him cry himself to sleep. I can't do that now. It just breaks my heart and I second guess so many things now that I do not want something to happen to him and that be the last memories I have. He may be a bit spoiled now, but only with love. The past 2 nights he has waited until 4 to wake up, not too bad. Much better than the midnight alarm clock we have gotten used to in the past 2 weeks. I hug him more, and tell him I love him more. I am just glad that he is still little enough to not care or think mom's hugs are gross.

We keep trying to cling on to HOPE. Without that we have nothing. Randy and I will be going to our first Grief counseling group next week. It should be a great outlet to get some things off of our chest. I have a bad habit like my mother of holding things in and always being the "strong" one. I think that is part of the reason she died very suddenly of a heart attack at the age of 57. I sure could use her now to talk to. She too had to bury a daughter, but at the age of 9 years not 9 weeks. Anytime you bury your children it is hard. Our job is to protect them, and this was out of my control.

We thank everyone for the prayers for our great event. Next year will be bigger and better. Randy said that our little girl's first outing was a standing room only the funeral and her second big day of the benefit we sold out of food. What an amazing tribute to someone who only was on this earth for 9 short weeks. We love you baby J.

Tribute to Baby Jordan Event October 17th.

http://invision3cold.reapplications.com/public/eViewPublic.aspx?cID=191557&eID=34a57cb5-3a90-4a49-9531-b1c3fb6d3073

Click on the link above for details for our Tribute to Baby Jordan Benefiting SIDS Research and Awareness this coming Saturday October 17th. Lot's of BBQ Hosted by Houston Texans Tailgater of the week the 'Raging Bull Tailgaters', Silent auction featuring autographs from Rockets Yao Ming, Hall of Famer Moses Malone, NFL rushing leader Emmitt Smith, Houston Texans game tickets with VIP tailgating experience, and an appearance from Miss Teen Texas and much, much more....Hope you can all make it out. Let's all pray for good weather and a good turnout for our event. Yes we will have a T.V. with the Texas vs. OU football game.....Please come join us this weekend.

October is here already.

October is here already. I can not believe that the time has gone by so fast. I still remember walking in the HOT Houston air in June before Jordan was delivered. And now it is already October.

Our Pastor at church gave us a quote this week and it is so true. "Christianity is not an infomercial". His messages have been REAL and about some of the promises in the Bible that are not all great. It says that we will suffer and that bad things will happen to good people. Boy do I know that to be true. I am not happy, not really happy and I do not know if I will ever be as happy as I was before she died. I miss my baby girl. I am thankful for my church and the great messages that Pastor Mark has been giving. You can tell that he is human and he has pain in his life just like the rest of us. His wife is currently dealing with colon cancer and chemo treatments and he tells us the hard part is he can't fix it. He said he is a "fixer" and he can't make her better. He relies on his Faith to get them through. Strangely enough her blog helps me get through. She is so strong. It makes me realize that we are all in this together. When Mark talks about death and Heaven he said that "they are the lucky ones, God likes them better".

We have been very busy with the benefit and are so excited for the 17th to come. This past Sunday we were Tailgating at the Texans game and raised money through donations in a box toward the benefit. A HUGE thank you to the 'Raging Bulls Tailgaters' for helping with our event. Even in 85% chance of rain, we had a great turn out. I am amazed everyday at how this tragedy touches others. I met a great lady who is a nurse and did research in school on SIDS. I learned somethings that I did not know before. SIDS is the #1 killer of newborns. That statistic is amazing to me, which is why we are doing what we can to raise money for awareness and research. We are not sure how big we can make this, but Randy and I are dedicated to helping others. I feel the need to have something good come out of our tragedy. I want her life to MEAN something even though it was only 9 short weeks, she was everything to our family.

I still cry, I think I always will. My husband knows when I am writing on the blog because he can hear me sniffle. I just miss her so much. It is easy to get caught up in the day's events, and getting back to work, that at night it creeps up on me. Night time is still the hardest. I spend my evenings researching SIDS and finding other websites created for infant loss. The web has a ton of information created by others to provide information for people like me.

As I read I find it ironic that October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. In 1988, then-President Ronald Reagan proclaimed October as a national month of mourning in remembrance of babies who died through miscarriage, stillbirth, and other causes. This observance allows families and communities to come together to not only celebrate those infants' lives, but also to increase the understanding into why these tragedies occurred and work at preventing them-Coincidence that we are doing our event in the same month? No, I think that God is helping each step of the way.

Each year families and friends get together to celebrate their baby's life. Some do a balloon launch and there are some cities that hold a "Walk to Remember". I think these are all things that can be done in the future. We just want to help. Below is a great poem that is read at hospitals and events throughout the month of October in honor of little ones lost.


A Walk To Remember, by Kathie Ratoj Mayo


I walk to remember the steps you'll never take.
I carry you with me as I firmly plant my feet.
Our trek started long ago, before my belly swelled.
You were a love that grew like butterfly wings that beat.
Your gentle flutters then became kicks upon which I would dwell.
And I would talk to you, sweet babe, about the world you soon would meet.
The sun always shone upon us then when you were in my womb.
And I was eager to show you the world that would have been your home.
How you'd have loved the sun shining, blue skies without a cloud.
The autumn leaves turning, the snow falling all around.
The flowers in the summer, would have have filled your eyes with smiles.
And the rain that might have fallen would have caused you great surprise.
You would have traveled far with me, holding me by the hand.
And I'd have shown you all I could, more than I can imagine.
You hold my heart tightly now, as though we're holding hands.
How far we've traveled, little one, and my life with you has been sweet.
For I carry you in my heart, as I firmly plant my feet.


Sorry for being so long winded tonight, I had a lot to say and get off of my chest. Thanks for reading and for the prayers. We need them.... God's Blessings.

A Tribute to Jordan August 21,2009

This was written by a great aunt of a child who also passed away in the same way that Jordan did. I found it on a website for grieving parents and I made changes to adapt it to fit Jordan because I thought it was so beautiful. The boy was named Jared and SIDS hit their family at the same age as my baby Jordan.

Look beside you Jesus,
there's someone at your side,
a sweet smiling little girl,
who needs you as her guide.

You'll know she's Jordan if her smile could melt a heart of stone,
She needs you,
She has never,
In her short life been alone.

If there's a puppy's soul up there,
Please bring the two together,
For kids and dogs do love to romp,
Through fields of sun and heather.

Please kiss her silky cheek at night,
and give her joy and peace,
The glow she brought our souls and hearts will never ever cease.

"Those we have held in our arms for a little while, will remain in our hearts forever."

One Month has passed.

I can not believe that it has been a month since my little girl left us to be in Heaven. Some days are still better than others. I still cry when I am in the car alone. I have made the investment in a good water proof mascara. Cover Girl seems to hold up the best for anyone who is interested. I listen to KSBJ, our local Christian radio station A LOT these days. I find a lot of comfort in the music. Fortunately for me, work has kept me very busy, and right now busy is good. The negative part is that my job is taking away from family things that I need to take care of. I have several items of dishes and Tupperware to return to my very sweet friends and neighbors who have helped get us through the rough days. I feel bad that it is taking me this long. We really are blessed to be part of such a great neighborhood of people who banded together to do things for us. The prayers have been tremendous. I really have to believe they are the reason that we have been able to have some sense of normalcy in our life. The prayers have really helped. I am still getting cards in the mail and Facebook messages from friends who are still thinking about us. Keep them coming, we still need them.

I really miss her. I think that at times it does get to me. I try not to get short with my family, but it happens. I just get down and think that life is just not fair. I know that this is all part of the grieving process. We learned from a pastor who came over to visit that there are 5 stages of grief. I think at times that I vary between all of these stages throughout the course one single day. Driving in my car alone is not very good for my mood. That is where listening to KSBJ comes in handy. There are days that seem like she was never part of our life. And then I think that I want to make sure that a day doesn't goes by that I do not think about her. It is hard to admit but life does go on even though our loved ones have left us. For me I still have moments when the loss of my mom 6 years ago still seems so hard. Now I just have to believe that she is in Heaven holding her granddaughter. That helps give me strength.

We are still talking about our "stories" in church. I really do not know when the road I am on is going to take the next turn. Even though you are still in the middle of a tragedy, people close to you still have potential life changing things come up. Life does go on around you and sometimes we still do not know why. What is the next chapter in "my" story? I still feel that a big part of me is to be a mom and to raise good Christian children who will have a positive impact on the world. We pray that God will help us with that. Having a third child would be a wonderful blessing to our life. Chase will be a great big brother. He only had a short opportunity to get started in this role.

We have been very busy working on the BBQ Benefit to honor baby Jordan. We have some big plans for this event to help raise money to contribute to SIDS research. It will get bigger as the years go on. We want to do something every year to celebrate her life and to help families be able to avoid this pain. The planning for this year is going well. We are going to have FABULOUS BBQ plates for purchase, along with a washer toss tournament to participate in and a Silent Auction with a lot of great items to bid on. If you are in the Houston area on October 17th, we would welcome any visitors to the event. Randy and I will have name tags on with her picture. So many people have offered their time and money to help this event kick off. We feel very blessed. Pray for a sunny day and lots of visitors.

I promise to followers to post more often. I am searching for articles from SIDS to post as well and hopefully have this site as an informational source for parents too. Thanks for reading and God Bless You.....

Beatitudes.

The following post is copied from an email that a friend of mine that I work with. emailed to me. It really lifted my spirits so I thought I would share it on the blog to help out others. It is a good reminder of how God sees grief and that he is with us. I have saved these words to look back on every time I get sad. Which right now happens at some point every day. We are still taking it one day at a time. Some days are better than others. Monday was a tough day for me. I worked from home to take care of household duties. It was hard. Very hard. I needed to change the sheets in her room and I had a hard time not getting upset. I look around at all of the decorations that we worked so hard to put together. To give her a room fit for a princess. And now she won't be around to grow up in her room. I look at the the cute clothes that I will not get the opportunity to change her into. I miss my little girl.

Chase talked about her tonight. He said I was Jordan's mommy and then talked about the day that the EMS took her to the hospital. He said "those boys took her". Randy tried to explain that she is in Heaven with God. All Chase can understand is that she is gone. It is hard to really comprehend how much he knows and what I am fearful of what questioning him will bring out from his memory. I feel like at times I walk on egg shells around him. I don't want to be upset in front of him, but I don't want him to forget about her either. I just miss her.

It has been a month. I tried to contact the Medical Examiner's office to see what they have found out. I got nothing. They tell me it is still pending and that infant autopsy's take up to 3 months to get results back. The lady I spoke with at the ME's office told me that the babies take longer because of all of the Genetic testing that they do. That did not really make me feel better, but at least I got a hold of someone. We then received a message at the house from someone who gave us a direct phone number to call and check in. I guess we just wait. Time to head to bed. Please continue to read the entry below. If you have lost anyone close in your life, it may help. Thanks for all of the prayers, they are really helping.


BEATITUDES
"Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted." Matthew 5:4 (NKJ)
Grief is the price we pay for love! To love deeply is to grieve our losses deeply. Henri Nouwen writes: 'We wonder when grief hits hard, "Why did this happen? To remind us of the brevity and fragility of life? To deepen the faith of those who carry on?" It is hard to answer "Yes," when everything seems dark. The important thing to us at that moment is to be relieved of the pain. But when we move through adversity rather than avoid it, we greet it differently. We become willing to let it teach us. Like Joseph, we see how God can use it for some larger end. Ultimately, mourning means facing what wounds us, in the presence of the only One who can heal us!'
David writes: '. . . weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning' (Psalm 30:5). Morning always comes! Your grief will ease with time. Your willingness to embrace the pain rather than escape it, guarantees that. It is not that you will forget, it is that you will remember it differently; with more gratitude and less grief.
Your tomorrows are not in the hands of your employer, your banker, your stock broker, or even your family. No, they are in God's hands, and He will be there for you when every other support has gone. Has He not always protected, provided for, and comforted you? Times and seasons change, but not 'the God of all comfort.' He has promised never to leave you. So be encouraged, today He will be with you wherever you go!

The weekend.

It is now Sunday night and my family is watching the Dallas Cowboys play in their new stadium. The Houston Texans pulled a win off today so my husband is a happier guy. We have had a very eventful weekend.

Saturday started with me going to work. I met a very sweet lady who is wanting to sell her home so that she can move closer to her son and grandchildren. I felt the need to hug this lady. She reminded me so much of my grandmother, only a little taller. And as she decides to put her home on the market that she has owned for 40 years she begins to tell me stories of her kids growing up. She used to wait to wave to her child's teacher from across the way and when the teacher waved back, she would allow her son to walk over to class. At the end of the day the teacher would wave back and her son would walk back home. That doesn't happen in today'a world. And there are kids and families out there who do not get to celebrate the first day of kindergarten. Unfortunately we are one of those families who will not get to see their daughter achieve that milestone. This sweet lady just made me smile as she was telling me stories. I think that I am lucky to at least have one happy little boy to celebrate life. We miss our little girl, and we pray that if it is God's will, we will be blessed with another one. We are putting our lives in his hands and letting him be the boss.

We ventured up to College Station to cheer on the Texas A&M Aggies play a football game. My nephew is starting for them this year so it was extra special to go to a game at a school where I graduated from and see a younger generation of my family play. My mom in Heaven would be so proud of him. I remember days when I was a kid and she would cheer so loud for the Aggies. Now I know where I get it from. In a lot of ways I am truly my mother's daughter. We had a minor mishap and Chase got separated from us, but some very nice police men found him. My heart sank for a few short minutes. It makes you realize how quick they can get away from you. Chase is on the right and Mitch is on the left. These 2 boys have so much fun together.

We are now in the process of teaching my 2 1/2 year old what his mom and dad's names are. When they asked him he said "mommy" and "daddy". So he is now in training at the house.

We went to church this morning and as usual it seemed like Pastor Mark was speaking directly to me. I do not think that a Sunday goes by that I do not break down in tears when the music starts. It just really gets to me and I miss my little girl so much. I get teary eyed every time. Today's message was about your "story" and how your story changes when tragedy happens and what good comes from that. I sat there with tears in my eyes and thought about my story. Which is now the story of baby Jordan. She was here for such a short time and we are hoping that her "story" can reach tons of people. Pastor Mark talks straight to my heart when he talks about God taking people to heaven. He chuckled but said that maybe God likes that person who passed away better than us. They are the lucky ones, we are here to live our life and struggle daily with good and evil. She is the lucky one? I believe that, but it just tears at my heart when I think of her gone. Randy and I have work to do on our family "story". How will we be able to impact someone else's life for the good? We definitely have work to do. We are hoping to continue to help support SIDS research to help save babies. This cause will remain on our hearts and we want to do something every year to celebrate her little life and raise awareness and money for research. I need to continue to do something to help others. Even if that is continuing this blog so that it stays in the minds of others.

There are days that go by when I do not think about her every hour, there are still times that I feel guilty when she slips from my mind. I know that is not right and not fair on myself. She is in a better place. But I just REALLY, REALLY miss her. It has been 4 long weeks since she went to Heaven. There are times it still feels like just yesterday.

Randy's parents are coming to town for doctor's appointment tomorrow, so we will get to spend the evening as a family. Chase is excited to see his Poppy and Grandma. We just keep taking it one day at a time.